Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
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Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.