What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
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wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.