Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
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Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
79.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes