Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
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Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.