I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
we all know this pain all too well
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb