we all know this pain all too well
You Might Also Like
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
How to wake up a Beagle
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.