Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

A dead goose is called a ghoost

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…