I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
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SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
TODAY