Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
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Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I occasionally drink every single night.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.