“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
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Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works