The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
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[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.