Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
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In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I think about this a lot
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
“How’s your day going?”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”