“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
it was a valiant fight
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball