My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
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Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going