We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
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A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.