My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
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I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I’d … I’d rather not.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me