mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
😂 amazing answer
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*