[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
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Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.