Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
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Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
oh you like architecture? name three walls
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.