Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
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“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.