“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
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[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.