It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
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[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Happy Taco Tuesday
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Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
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Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”