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If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go