Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
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Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?