Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
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I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.