Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
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There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.