Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
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I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.