@mxmclain

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

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@NotKarma

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

@kelkulus

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

@sixfootcandy

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

@KyleMakesStufUp

Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!

@STOTLE

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

@Try2StopME

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

@BuckyIsotope

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

@

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.