me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
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all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.