kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”