Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

Intelligence is the new cleavage

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.