If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Acronyms got me like WTF?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”