If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”