@samalmightysam

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

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@tastefactory

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

@Cryptoterra

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

@OnlyFastEddie

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

@Brianhopecomedy

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

@Social_Mime

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

@shutupmikeginn

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

@howe007

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.