[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
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Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.