Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
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*brings nachos to your exorcism*
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Never go to sleep after making me angry
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)