The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
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I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.