Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of