LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
You Might Also Like
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.