Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Got him!
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk