Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
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My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Introverted vegans go meetless
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter