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McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
*orders delivery*
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
🖤✌🏽
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.