McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
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Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
describing stardew valley
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.