trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
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my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Um … Hot Wings please
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]