I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
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someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫