Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
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Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare