Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
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Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days