I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
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Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Mood.. 😂
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.