My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
You Might Also Like
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.