We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
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A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
why would tinder want me to say this
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.