Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
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Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot