Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
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ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook