3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
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“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”