[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
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I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
c’mon!
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time