Dune (2021)
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I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
So that’s what we looked like?
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.