Dune (2021)
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MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Interior design 👌
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Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings![]()
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
So creative 😂
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.