Dune (2021)
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“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
is this a threat
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks