Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
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*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.