marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
i wish i could marry a nap
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
my nickname in college
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair