I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
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My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
2022 be like
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”